The sky is dark and the air is crisp.
The wind moves slightly, but with a more gentle energy than a week ago.
The car cleaned off, the snowman made.
I collapse onto the ground, create space by pushing the snow out of the way with my arms and legs.
And then I feel the stillness.
And then I feel the earth, blanketed in snow, holding me.
***
Inhale through the nose for three.
Exhale through the mouth for nine.
This moment is all that matters.
Inhale through the nose for three.
Exhale through the mouth for nine.
Be here.
Inhale through the nose for three.
Exhale through the mouth for nine.
Let everything else melt away.
And then I pause. I feel. I notice.
***
I have friends that are still without power around here, friends who had significant damage due to downed trees, and I’m hearing reports of almost 100 live wires still down on the ground in my township. And I’m trying not to feel guilty about my desire for snow.
I desire the snow and safety and power for everyone.
It got me thinking about desire and wanting. About how we want things, and then we pause and start to think about what our wants will mean to other people. How our wants will be interpreted by others, or experienced by others, or judged by others. How there is this deep-seeded connection between guilt and wanting.
What if we can own our wants?
What if we can allow ourselves the simple act of wanting? What if I can want the snow and the safety without worrying about anyone’s judgement? What if I can want things large and small and not feel guilty about it?
Building a relationship with your wants and desires is a practice and a process. It can take time to even name your wants. And then it can take more time to believe that you deserve them. It can take even more time to see the movement towards them.
One of my wants is for you to reach out to your wants and desires, have a conversation with them, notice what deeper meaning they hold for you, and embrace them.
