Once lit up six moons, maybe eleven, in advance of coming home and now a picture sparks
emptiness where once there was joy, life, a sense of self
How many seasons did it take for the anxious beating of my heart to turn from
How did my soul, my bones, find their way to a no as solid as stone?
Was it in the subtle evolution of rock formation
does it matter?
how I became this me, the one who doesn’t recognize her, who in one choice feels a lifetime away?
Shedding. Shed. Reborn. Relearning all I thought I’d come to know and understand about who I was.
Shed them all
Build upon a foundation of silk and clouds and raindrops gently landing on petals and leaves, shelter for the critters underneath
The steps taken need not be the ones plotted on a path by others but those I find with
(a start/to be continued…)
I feel a shaking about
the life I’ve known unrecognizable, foreign, unfitting in my skin
I feel like
rebuilding foundation of me
a buzzing confusion
all that was produces anxious rumblings
running fast and far away and yet
Steady soft surviving
Not quite knowing of this rip’ning
What to make
So I make
For a break
To this taste of freedom
That I’m feeling with uncertain trepidation
It happens without knowing without flowing
Miles ahead of where I am, yet there all the same, all at once
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can’t, and yet,
It is this earth quaking, soul shaking, electrifying feeling that
Has me reeling
Can’t define or defend or even really comprehend
But here it is, no doubt before me in my pores I’m sinking
Can’t sleep don’t wake me
I feel lost. Unknown. Becoming all the same
What happens at dawn, at reconnection?
Will there be recollection?
Did I short circuit, bust a fuse, go on the loose?
I’m so confused.
Is this a breaking? Or a remaking?
Am I crying or merely dying?
Soul unshaking from hinges of bolts built in for decades reaching away from all that’s given, all that’s hidden
(and pause/again/what is this life but wildness?)
The tears come,
flood my brain, pour out my eyes
Trying to smooth, clear away, make sense of
the rubble left behind
I don’t know if there’s sense to be made
at least not yet, maybe not ever
Feeling how distant all that once felt close
can suddenly become
Unnerving, how the world does that,
tilting everything on its axis
And you don’t quite know how you got here,
but here you certainly are
Trying to refind the ground beneath your feet
as it shifts like quicksand
You steady yourself and try to hold on as you
realize the tectonic shift may not be
Done, may be time to brace yourself for
aftershocks of indeterminent size
And your eyes like rivers
Your heart a crumbling mountain
Steady yourself with the breath of the moon
Warm yourself with the love of the sun
And be, just be
In this moment, no matter what comes next
(and so it continues/ever moving forward)